GOOPEY SAHEBER GAPPO

Some thirty years back, when plastic currency had not intruded on the middle class, most people carried a reasonable sum of money in their wallets and shirt pockets. In Calcutta, even though the country's first metro was  already operational, a large chunk of office goers commuted in buses and trams. Losing their wallets and money wantonly, made the Babus furious. They felt helpless at the growing menace which was attaining an alarming magnitude

Our story begins at this point of time. 

One morning, I received a phone call "Mr. Rakshit? This is the O.C. of Maniktolla police station speaking. One Mr, Goopey Nath Gayen wants to talk with you." Goopey Nath Gayen was informally and universally known as "Goopey Saheb" I asked him as to what had transpired. Apparently, while Goopey had been marketing, one Chhotu Lal, a pickpocket, had tried to relieve Goopey's pocket of its contents. Unfortunately for him, he was not prepared for what transpired next.  Goopey had kept one scorpion in his shirt pocket which  had immediately swung into action and pounced on Chhotu's nimble fingers. The yelp that Chhotu had let out caused a huge commotion in the market and the public (of Calcutta of course) had nabbed them both and escorted them to the Police Station. I immediately went to the P.S., met the O.C. and secured Goopey's release on a personal bond of five hundred rupees.

Goopey Saheb was not a saheb at all. On the contrary, he was a hundred percent Bengali who covered long distances on his Atlas bicycle. His permanent dress was a dhoti, a half shirt and a traditional Englishman's hat (topee), which I believe was his grand dad's.

While discussing the pick pocket menace over a cup of tea one day, I asked him if he could something about it. "Well, I can try," said Goopey. "I have friends in Krishna Nagar, I'll ask them to make some clay imitations of scorpions, to be kept in shirt pockets of  gentlemen in  such a manner that the deadly claws will be visible to  one and all. This will detract pickpockets who will presume these to be real scorpions. Believe it or not, this scheme worked out superbly for two or three months and the Calcutta Police heaved a sigh of relief as did the public. But as all good things reach their inevitable end, so did this master plan, as the rogues also learnt of these imitations and returned to their profession with unparalleled  vengeance. Goopey returned my five hundred rupees on his next visit, claiming that it was from his 25% commission.

Goopey was a man of many accomplishments. A devout Brahmin priest was in need of a guard dog. Goopey arranged for a mastiff for him which only ate spiced spinach and chewed used tooth brushes. Here also he earned his 25% cut!

A cinema hall named Chhaya, quite the old type, was having problems to ensure its continued presence of its patrons. A number of pigeons used to come and sleep on the rafters and defecate on the audience.This led to a near empty night show practically each night. Goopey was summoned and on learning of the problem, suggested hiring two extra high ladders. Each night the ushers would climb the ladders and gently squeeze the tummies of the  pigeons. However, this act had to be repeated for a couple of more days as the birds were quite dumb. Ultimately they would get the message that they were not wanted here and fly away. This plan was remarkably successful and Goopey made a killing with his 25% commission on this deal!

Majority of the urban bourgeoisie had started developing hearing problems due to their constant exposure to the unbearable honking of Calcutta traffic. Unfortunately, hearing aids came at a premium and even the cheapest were priced at Rs 1000/= plus. People, while conversing with colleagues and friends indoor, could hardly hear what was being spoken till Goopey Saheb came up with the ultimate invention of his illustrious career. He started manufacuring and marketing hearing aids at Rs 10/= a piece! One such aid usually consisted of a black silk cord attached to a white button. One had only to jam the button in his left ear and place the cord in his pocket. This would immediately induce the speaker to talk loudly! He used to sell customized aids also, with differently coloured cords and differently sized buttons. These were, however, priced at Rs 20/= a piece. I have no idea as to how much commission Goopey earned on this,but after a couple of months, he paid a visit to my house with a specific task. I had to guide him to apply for a PAN card!

Inspired by Late Raj Sekhar Bose (Parashuram) 's short story entitled Goopey Saheb.Additions, alterations and aberrations are entirely mine. S.R.